Several things:
1. Since starting this cancer thing a few years back my mortality has continued to sit in front of me and tug on my shirt like a needy little three-year old. Sometimes when I think I have forgotten it for a while the strangest things will bring it roaring back. It seems to me like everyone knows they are going to die, but lives like they won't. It's kind of "funny" but only having chemo once a week really dials up the "oh my goodness something is wrong with me!" thoughts. In some ways chemo on a daily basis is easier (mentally) than once a week. Daily, fighting cancer and balancing chemo side-effects is a job. Weekly, I have a "life" and cancer is something that is happening in/to my "life".
2. I've been evaluating the meaning of "home" lately with our moving from Seattle to COS and then to Houston. We left one "home" to do something and hopefully make a new one, but as we settled in cancer rose up again and we had to move again. I know Lisa still thinks of Seattle as home. And I guess that depends. If "home" is where you are the most known and know the most people then yes, Seattle would be "home". But we aren't home... and we can't go home easily.
Humorously enough the thing that got me thinking about BOTH of these issues was the movie Inception. If you see the movie/ think about the movie in a heaven and earth type arrangement it makes the movie that much more interesting. I won't say more as the movie is newly out and wouldn't want to wreck anyone's viewing of it.
I've been thinking about what "Home" is, especially combined with the ton of bricks that is the reminder that I will die. Add the pain of life and I honestly am starting to understand more and more the draw of making heaven home. There are many upsides to this as I can see it: It doesn't matter where you go on earth because my home isn't here, and homes here on earth can be destroyed, but no one is touching heaven.
I don't know, just some thoughts this morning as I consider my life and the things that have "wrecked" what I thought it would be.
~B.
Ben,
ReplyDeleteReading your thoughts on our mortallity is a sober reminder of how short life can be here on earth. Though you and I are at different stages/ages of life, as one ages, the knowledge of one's life ending any day becomes more heightened and you know that you will be 'knockin' on heaven's door' at anytime! Still, I find it sad for you to face this realization so young. People at your age are suppose to live life like it is never going to end!!
I am still 'imploring' for the Lord to heal you and maybe to persuade Him to let you stay on this earthly home for a long while to come. Besides, we really, really need you back here at OC and especially in the IT Department.
Sorely missing you,
Larry
thanks Ben for the always-timely reminder of where our real home is!
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts resounded with me today. I began to realize more "Heaven as my home" when we were living away from home in Glasgow for so long. We didn't have family, close friends, belongings, etc - those things were left in WA - and we relied upon God's presence as 'home'. Not so drastic of an event as you are going through. A helpful concept for us all to meditate on. We're thinking of the both of you.
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts resounded with me today. I began to realize more "Heaven as my home" when we were living away from home in Glasgow for so long. We didn't have family, close friends, belongings, etc - those things were left in WA - and we relied upon God's presence as 'home'. Not so drastic of an event as you are going through. A helpful concept for us all to meditate on. We're thinking of the both of you.
ReplyDelete