Yesterday was pretty non eventful. I put in some time at work came home and then went to get Lisa. Not a lot going on.
Today however is another story. While the CT scan was physically painful the trips to see the doctor are mentally/ emotionally difficult. So much "bad news" at the start of meeting the doctor really makes me very intimidated to go see him. Even if he has "good news" (healing!!) it takes a lot to walk into that office. The funny thing is that this guy is one of the most mild mannered people I have ever met, and I'm afraid of seeing/ hearing from him.
The last time I had a CT scan was after the 2nd round of chemo, and here we are just shy of the 7th round. After the 2nd there were noticeable results, I am hoping to hear more of that today, but there is still a little voice inside my head that is doom and gloom that says, "Yeah, but what if it's NOT good news." I don't know that I could handle "bad news" right now.
The thing that scares me about this situation I think is that God is, and always has been, completely in control of the situation and I have NO idea what kind of outcome we are looking at. God knows the complete plan and my life is 100% in His hands, but I have to live day to day. I need strength to be able to face the things I fear, and my oncologist is one of those things right now.
~B.