CT Scan this morning at 11:40 MST. (10:40 for you Pacific readers, and 1:40 for those of you on the other coast.)
It didn't really bother me this weekend, I lived life normally, and received a LOT of encouragement from various sources. Today I have been fairly calm, but the having to drink the oral contrast 2 hours ahead of time is a REALLY early reminder of what I am doing. I don't think it's the process (the contrast (oral and injected), the IV, the scan, etc) It's the waiting for results.
A very, very great part of me wants to be able to rejoice and celebrate about news that the scan is clear, and I have already dared to imagine what that might look like. If the scan doesn't come back clear though am I in any less of a position to rejoice and celebrate our God? He's in control either way, and I have made daily petitions to Him to heal me, and I am going to get some of that answer sometime this week.
I feel like I am at a fork in my future. I could continue to do what I have been doing with OC and learning to live here in Colorado Springs, or I could go back to all sorts of crazy medical stuff.
It's a rough line I am wandering right now mentally. If the tumors show up again it's pretty much par for the course for this sickness, and I guess I won't be overly surprised. But I have this hope in the Lord that He can do great things, and that He is the great healer and I have this feeling that He isn't done with me just yet.
But, as I said before, does any of that really get thrown out of the window if the scan doesn't come back clear? I am heavily trying to avoid the "I'll praise you and worship you Lord if the scan is clear." I think that is some of the battle that rages in me: Knowing that God is good and worthy to be praised. No matter what.
~B.