Being told you have cancer, what kind of cancer, and your odds of survival all in one fell swoop is something I don't think I will ever forget. The excitement and joy at discovering, every time, that you are free of the hell that is cancer treatment is also something I will never forget. Both are things I can pull up at any time and are fresh in my mind.
So the broncoscopy I had today did not tell me what I wanted to hear. Did not tell me anything remotely relating to what I wanted to hear. The quick little in and out procedure was supposed to say, "Oh, you have Bronchitis, nothing more." Instead they said, "While we can't be completely certain until we get this back from pathology the stuff we pulled out of you looks cancerous."
I'll know for certain on Wednesday when I meet with my oncologist what the deal is and what we're looking at doing, but until then I'm on my own with just that information.
I honestly don't even know what to think. Do I want to go through Chemo again? No, not now, not ever again. Do I want to be clear and this not be anything serious? You bet.
How do I react to God in this? I feel like I got a very clear leading to come to Colorado Springs and work with OC and attempt to further the technology. Granted nothing was ever promised to me about my health but I felt like God would protect me through the health issues so I could advance OC with technology that could help further HIS kingdom in the world. Why this? Why now? We're at such a crucial time and this happens.
I know God is in control, but I need something here, I've never felt so hopeless, so much like throwing in the towel and saying, fine, I'll do what I feel like I've been called to do until I drop dead. Dear Lord I need something to get me through this, something to cling to, or to even know if it's worth clinging.
~B.