Wednesday, January 5

Burried: Raw

Saying "I don't know where to start" seems like a good place to start. The news we got today from the doctor was not something I would consider good. Both Lisa and I had been holding out a hope that because I had gotten the full clinical trial this past eight weeks that the scan would show a little less activity or stability. That wasn't the case. There is a third new tumor spot in my back and the other two spots have shown increased activity, so much so that they took me off the clinical trial.

After our trip to Seattle we'll be seeing my original oncologist here at MDA about what is next. When last we left him he was talking about a pretty heavy increase in meds.

I'm going to be perfectly honest, I am really, really frustrated by this news. I feel like Lisa and I felt like we were way out front only to turn around and realize we weren't nearly as far as we thought. Like we'd been hiking for what felt like hours and then we pass the 1 mile sign.

I feel pretty purposeless right now. We moved from Seattle to follow a dream and a calling, and now we're in Houston with very few friends and no family. I am having a hard time even knowing what to ask or what to fix. I feel pretty cut free and lost right now. On top of being very, very tired of this battle/ war.

I could really use a lot of prayer, Lisa could use a Lot of prayer... hug your families extra tight tonight.



  1. I'm so sorry, Ben. I'll be praying for you and Lisa.

  2. Ben, I wish I could do more. But I will be praying for you both.

  3. Anonymous10:30 AM

    Dear Ben and Lisa,

    After reading your blog, I so want to "come" to you and this is the only way for now. My heart goes out to you, as do all of us who love you. I thought your illustration of the long hike and finding the 1 mile sign was so appropriate. We know you are asking the Lord about the next step after this Huge disappointment. We will be praying for unusaul wisdom on the part of your oncologist. In the meantime, I'm so glad you are going to be with family for a while and pray it will be a time of refreshment and renewal of encouragement for you.

    with love and prayer,
    Diane Morris

  4. Ben and Lisa, you have many friends who love you and pray for you here in CS! God is your number 1 friend and knows the plans he has for you. It is so easy for us to spiritualize an answer and know you don't need more so I won't give you any except to say my heart hurts with you and will be praying. Maybe you could just leave all the meds and come back and enjoy each other and your family and friends and work. God is the healer. I felt this frustration so often on dialysis and that is what I wanted to do. I wish I could give you a transplant and make you well. WE LOVE YOU BEN AND LISA!

  5. Lifting you guys up in prayer tonight! I can't imagine what you guys are going through. Know that you're loved and prayed for often.

    Love, Amy White

  6. SO sad to hear the discouragement in your voice/heart, Ben. Really wish there was something we could do from here. Please know how much you are loved by your Colorado Springs friends. We will all be praying a ton for you through this next stretch of the hike. Sending our love!!!!

  7. Hi Ben,
    I've been following your news through Aubrey since you left Seattle. I can't completely relate to what you and Lisa are feeling at this moment, but I know what it's like to be scared, exhausted, and angry from dealing with the endless ups and downs of life with cancer. I don't know why people have to experience things like this, but I hold onto a hope that there is at least some rhyme or reason to it even if we cannot fully understand it. We are always thinking of you and Lisa, especially so right now.
    Chris (Aubrey's husband)


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