Monday, October 22

Sounds like an excuse

The past handful of days the side effects of my testosterone blocking pills have hit me harder than they have in the past. My emotions have been swinging wildly all over the place. Yesterday on our mega drive I was super-snappy with Lisa. It wasn't even something I thought about, or that she was doing anything to annoy me, I was just snapping at her in everything. Frustrating because getting upset and/or angry is not who I am, and it kind of scares me how easily it is to loose it. In my emails I am afraid I come across as a little harsh as well. I edit and edit these days, but I can't disconnect the harsh sound in my head from the text. Hopefully anyone reading it doesn't take it as such. In person it takes so much extra energy to NOT say anything, or to phrase something kindly, that it makes it very draining to be around people.

Then today I woke up late, after sleeping decently well, and then everything seemed to... break. I was kicking around the idea of going into work... but just about everything was making me cry. I'm going to stay inside until that's under control a bit more.

All-in-all these changes seem like an excuse to me. You need to be quicker to forgive me because I'm on meds that are making me feel like a horrible person, and I am trying not to force that onto you. So, I apologize, and I'll keep apologizing. I'm sorry if any communication with you seems... gruff, at the least, and downright hostile at best. It's tiring, and I don't know that I have too much extra for extra emotion juggling.

Thanks for the support team. I really need prayers for my emotions. The flip and swing and there isn't anything I can do about them... and I don't want to make people hate me.

P.S. Don't get to signup to receive a Christmas Card.

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