Looking for Whole Healing

I have been reading through the book, "Glorious Ruin", albeit casually, and I have been stumbling upon goldmine after goldmine of things to think about. The other night I was sitting and talking with my good friend Ryan about being very confused about God giving me all sorts of abilities and talents and then seemingly taking them away from me prematurely. "Why did God give me so much passion? So much desire? So much kick, so much fight, when He was going to take it away so soon? I mean there are hundreds of people, THOUSANDS of people who don't care about life, who casually they throw it away, or go through life with a ho-hum attitude. Meanwhile, here I am fighting cancer and trying to work a job that I love and have a passion for. 

I don't understand it. And before you take to the comment fields telling me that life isn't fair (thanks, I got that one already) I guess when I talk to God I generally do it one on one and not in a general, "Why me". Yesterday as Ryan had left and I was reading the author of the book I was reading quoted a councilor of His. (Larry Crabb) He said, "If you're not confused by the grave then you're not trusting." 

Boom. Like a hammer to a plate glass window. I would say that my troubles boils down to trust in God. Trusting that He is doing what He is doing in my life. However I don't see many troubles in my life at this point. God has brought me around to this place and blessed me here in Seattle. My "troubles" are simply thing that don't matter when lined up against other things that DO matter. (Or essentially, my "troubles" are life vs death, pure and simple.)

I love my job. I love my life. I love my wife. But sometimes the blessings I have been given do not make sense to me when it comes to dying at this age. But that comes down to trust then it doesn't matter at what age I go, because God knows what He is doing. It's like asking for more work when you've been called in for rest hours ago. I might not understand it, but I have to trust it.

Then there is the flip side, while I hold my breath (ummm, no pun intended right now) and ask God to heal me. To bring me around to being made whole again. I don't think there is anything wrong with trusting God and asking to be healed. I think until my last breath I will be asked to be healed. I ask because I see benefit in it. God has given me a vision to see where things are going and an excitement to get them there. If He heals me then I would love to help tackle that problem with my whole heart. But if He doesn't then I have to trust that He is keeping His kingdom together and keeping it in line and I get to rest, while other's get to toil. It comes down to trust.

BUT there is something on top of that that you need to be aware of: I'm not dead yet. It seems the more I live the more people tend to put me in my grave. I encounter this more and more. Mourn me when I am dead, rejoice with me as living while I am alive. If God chooses to heal me then I will have years ahead of me... Putting me in my grave now just makes everyone sadder than they need to be. It might be "obvious" to you which way God is going, but you don't know when, how, or why, so please don't go putting me in that place until I have taken that last breath. There is hope until then, and there is trust in God until then. So trust and hope in God now dear reader, it's what I need from you most. God can whip this away in a second and then everyone who put me in my grave early would feel silly. So let's avoid that and pray towards an end when tumors are confoundingly gone.

Thank you! 

~B.
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