My goal with this blog is to be real with you about who I am, and the struggles that I am going through. This isn't simply a "cancer update" thing, this is a how is Ben really doing thing. This is for several reasons: 1. So you can better know how to help me through this, and 2. So you don't get some illusion about who I am.
With those things in mind I wanted to share what I felt yesterday: I was disappointed with God. I felt like with all the prayer support and encouragement that while I had to endure something scary that the doctor's were going to pass on a strange, but clean, bill of health. That wasn't the case. I found myself asking where God was. Why didn't He show up to dazzle the medical staff? Granted I had some personal motives for wanting this, but I felt like I had done what God said to do and to ask Him for things I wanted. (And several hundred other people helped) However, God said no.
And I was disappointed. People sent me SO many promises of God that they were praying for me and that I prayed as well, but God said no. I don't know what He is doing in my life, or why, but this just isn't a re-occurrence of my old cancer. This is a more rare form of it. It typically doesn't travel outside the abdomen, and here it is between my lungs. Double rare. To survive this thing once was God, to survive this thing twice is going to require Him to save me again. From a strictly number's point of view I am completely screwed. But God doesn't work in percentages. (John Piper, "Don't Waste your cancer") and so I have to believe, despite my disappointment yesterday, that God (you know, the creator of everything and the guy who is omni-everything) knows what He is doing. I have literally no clue, and it is scary.
I can freak out about this, but that really doesn't change the fact that I have it. (However my subconscious mind seems to be doing a pretty good job of freaking out.) So what I will do, despite the fact that things didn't turn out as I had hoped/ prayed/ planned, I will continue to cling to my belief that God 1. Has my best in mind, 2. Has a plan that will not only benefit me, but everyone around me, and 3. God hasn't abandoned me.
I guess the only thing to do at this point is hang on, fight, and see what happens next.
Stay Tuned.
~B.