Thursday, September 10


My goal with this blog is to be real with you about who I am, and the struggles that I am going through. This isn't simply a "cancer update" thing, this is a how is Ben really doing thing. This is for several reasons: 1. So you can better know how to help me through this, and 2. So you don't get some illusion about who I am.

With those things in mind I wanted to share what I felt yesterday: I was disappointed with God. I felt like with all the prayer support and encouragement that while I had to endure something scary that the doctor's were going to pass on a strange, but clean, bill of health. That wasn't the case. I found myself asking where God was. Why didn't He show up to dazzle the medical staff? Granted I had some personal motives for wanting this, but I felt like I had done what God said to do and to ask Him for things I wanted. (And several hundred other people helped) However, God said no.

And I was disappointed. People sent me SO many promises of God that they were praying for me and that I prayed as well, but God said no. I don't know what He is doing in my life, or why, but this just isn't a re-occurrence of my old cancer. This is a more rare form of it. It typically doesn't travel outside the abdomen, and here it is between my lungs. Double rare. To survive this thing once was God, to survive this thing twice is going to require Him to save me again. From a strictly number's point of view I am completely screwed. But God doesn't work in percentages. (John Piper, "Don't Waste your cancer") and so I have to believe, despite my disappointment yesterday, that God (you know, the creator of everything and the guy who is omni-everything) knows what He is doing. I have literally no clue, and it is scary.

I can freak out about this, but that really doesn't change the fact that I have it. (However my subconscious mind seems to be doing a pretty good job of freaking out.) So what I will do, despite the fact that things didn't turn out as I had hoped/ prayed/ planned, I will continue to cling to my belief that God 1. Has my best in mind, 2. Has a plan that will not only benefit me, but everyone around me, and 3. God hasn't abandoned me.

I guess the only thing to do at this point is hang on, fight, and see what happens next.

Stay Tuned.



  1. Thanks for being real.
    That link 'don't waste your cancer' is interesting. I like especially when it says "Often in life’s ‘various trials’ (James 1:2), what you face does not exactly map on to the particulars that David or Jesus faced - but the dynamic of faith is the same." It is so easy as humans to think Jesus wouldn't be able to relate - Jesus never went through cancer, for one. But yes, the dynamic of faith is the same. We all go through differing struggles, various in their propensity, but within each struggle of each person, we have the opportunity to put our complete faith in God. And trust Him (and plead with him) to go about His business - in our bodies and in our hearts.
    We are praying for the both of you from our hearts.
    Thanks for sharing your real self with us.

  2. Ben-

    What a great article from Piper. That guy is just awesome. Thanks for posting that. I spoke to me because really, you can insert any trial into the phrase: "don't waste your ______." So I think it's applicable to all who experience trials.

    I'll just keep on praying. I love what Ryan posted on FB the other day. Something to the tune of: "God healed Ben once. He can surely do it again!"

    Screw all the numbers and statistics. Either HE heals you or you get to go to Heaven far ahead the rest of us. It's just the in between that's going to really suck.

    Keep it real. ALWAYS.

    Praying for you guys & continuing to spread the praying love.


  3. Ben,

    Your transparency reminds me of David, a man after God's own heart. You'r being real with what's happening internally and He knows it. I know the trials at times seem to block our view of who God is and fill our hearts with fears. I went through it not too long ago with my mother's sort of unexpected death and I wondered where He was while I was in the darkness. It was hadr to feel His presence at the time but after having come to the other side, I had no doubt that He was with me all along. What you're going through is tough because its uncertain. But I'm glad that you're holding onto Him who promised to never leave us nor forsake us no matter what. One other thing that helped me in my dark time is His promise in Matthew "I'm with you always". I knew God never lies. So I had to cling to it and believe it when he seemed far away. I pray He will continue to give you inner strength to stand firm in Him and in His promises.


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