"How am I doing?", you ask?

Ben thinks it would be helpful for me to let you all know how I'm doing. He suggests that there are more of his readers who support a cancer patient than who are cancer patients; maybe I can speak to being a supporter and caregiver. That will be one of the major roles I play in the next few months, after all.

I'm not sure how helpful I'll be in that sense, but at least your curiousity will be satisfied and your prayers will be more informed. Mostly, I've been numb. I've felt exhausted, not because of a busy schedule but because of coping and because of the memories of exhaustion from last time.

At first, it took awhile to process the news of Ben's cancer because we were spending time with many lovely people in an effort to be distracted, which worked. I didn't worry much. I had decided the swollen lymph nodes were due to a slight illness, then when the biopsy doc said it was cancer I did some research and decided Ben probably had Hodgkin's. Not a happy prognosis, but at least Hodgkin's has a 95% survival rate! The treatments are also less intense than Ben's experienced before. But I didn't tell Ben because he doesn't like to hear guesses or statistics in relation to his cancer and I try to honor that.

When we found out the DSRCT had returned I was shocked. It turns out that DSRCT in the lymph nodes is more common than I thought. Since then I've been trying to deal with daily details and to be supportive of Ben.

Here is something that might surprise you though: it wasn't until last night at one am that I imagined "how would I feel if I were in Ben's place?" Maybe this sounds heartless. Don't get me wrong - I'm completely on Ben's team. One of my main concerns is being there for him in every way, especially now. In some ways, though, it's easier to be there for him, to be strong and calm, when I don't try to experience the fear of having cancer. It was actually pretty easy to imagine once I got started and led directly to a pretty stereotypical conversation with God about his use of pain in our lives. I should keep reading the book I was lent by my employeer - Phillip Yancey's "Where is God when it hurts?"

Anyway, I talked with Ben about this, and he said he hasn't missed any sympathy on my part. He knows I am with him.

I think I'm coming out of the numbness and seeing that God is continuing to provide for us abundantly just like he always has. This time, since I'm paid hourly, I don't have to get in the full 40 hours each week around taking care of Ben. That's a relief.