Sunday, April 14


Hope is a lot like glass. I would say it rarely forms in the wild the same way as it does in captivity, even if it does get got hot enough. The point being the hope is delicate. It's a fragile thing that can be up-ended on the sidewalk with barely a second glance. Trip. Poof. Shatter. Gone.

Last week I got a call about a procedure they wanted to do in hopes of opening up my lung capacity. It involved the fact that I had ballooned some almost ten pounds in a short amount of time due to liquid weight. They had me run all over the hospital and then settled me into a room where they slapped hot goo on my back, did the ultrasound thing for a few minutes and then cleaned me off. "There is no liquid" came the verdict. "There is nothing we can do."

They sent me home. Not a grand scheme of things by way of verdicts, but it was a hope building exercise. "This might hurt, but it'll help you breath better at the end of it." That wasn't to be the case. I am kind of running at the bottom of supposedly medical technology. (Or at least half-hearted types) I am discouraged by the medical attempts and in the future I might just say no to them.

Last evening a friend and his wife visited us (we've been having lots of visits, that you all kindly!) and they just happened to be part of a band that we really enjoy. (My top 25 iTunes list is populated with their music) I hadn't met his wife before so we got to hang out and chat and then they sang a few songs for us, and it was really touching. It's been a long time since I have heard live music and it was a blessing to me. If any of you want to come and play live music I am okay with it.

Then in the evening after they left I just had a rough time getting my breath. Making it upstairs took something like fifty minutes and then another handful of time to get to bed. The reason source of the problem seems to be anxiety/ stress/ panic attack. I get to a place where I draw a single breath wrong and it "snowballs" into this pattern of incorrect breathing that I can't control, and then I start freaking out. Be it ether hyperventilating (I think I was doing this last night) or not getting enough breathe (which I tend to do by default) I start to get scared and generally Lisa will have to come in and put her arm around me and I breathe a certain way to synchronize my breathing to hers. It's a sticky downward spiral that I cannot control.

Prayer Requests:
  • That I would be healed.
  • That I could get breathing under control, remember to trust God for every breath.
  • Lisa would continue to have stamina, she is being amazing as my strength when I have so very little. I wish I could give her more without actually giving of myself in the process.
 Thank you for your love, prayers and support. I feel so little these days, I need you all pouring into me so much right now because I have so little. That is why God has given all of you to me. I feel like I am barely crawling along. It's only going to be with God (and God through you) that I make it to the end of this in one piece. Thank you all.

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