This summer, I've been watching the TV show Longmire. I kind of like it, but mostly I'm watching it because I really think Ben would have enjoyed it. It's what I can do to feel close to him.
In some practical ways, I'm trying to become more like Ben. When my laptop formulates some weird error, instead of panicking and handing it off to someone else (after rebooting of course - I wasn't completely helpless) I now take a deep breath and think "what would Ben do?" Which usually involves Googling the error message and rebooting again.
Side note: Rumor is that's at least 50% of troubleshooting :) Recently a friend in IT offered me a job after I described a problem and how I solved it, mostly using those techniques, to him. I'm still not sure if he was serious.
In some deeper ways, I want to become more like Ben. For me, most of the time Imagining = Planning = Doing. Ben, on the other hand, would talk about all sorts of things that he wasn't ever going to do. Early in our marriage, whenever he started talking about some wild scheme or other my blood pressure would rise. Instantly, lengthy "to do" lists floated before my eyes, and I'd try to reason with Ben before we jumped into something huge. He had to say "Lisa, just listen to me. This probably isn't going to happen, and I know that. I just want to imagine it."
But now I want to imagine a new life, without fear. I'm making a little progress. A couple of days ago, I saw ad for a travel trailer on Facebook and proceeded to fantasize about living out of a Winnebago. It took half an hour before more logical Lisa thoughts like "But I don't own anything I could pull a travel trailer with" caught up with me, but for a little while I reveled in the wild freedom of Ben-sort of imaginings.
Now, I'm becoming a new person to compensate for losing my partner. But I don't want to go back to how I was before Ben, because he brought things to my life that I don't want to lose. In any case I'm inadequate, but we'll see with Christ's power what I can imitate.
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