Not Number #1

Lately, life feels more meaningless.  I assumed that feeling was a result of losing my top purpose of caregiving, and that it would go away when I found some other goal or goals I could champion.

But actually, from my reading* on grief lately, it seems that it's a very common feeling for anyone who is grieving.  Especially a spouse.  One person wrote that the future seems unimaginably empty without the person who died.  And another person said that when you aren't number #1 in someone's life anymore, no one else seems to care enough to make life worthwhile.

Which sounds cheesy, but it's so true.  I could compare it to a friend who doesn't cook much, because her husband would just as soon eat a PB&J sandwich as a gourmet meal.  Whereas I cooked often because Ben got so much enjoyment out of it.  This may sound unfair to the many people who love me.  They do help enormously, it's just that nothing can replace being #1 in someone's life.  I really really miss being part of "Team Morrell".

I know by faith that life still has the same amount of purpose that it did before.  I know that marriage is meant to give us a foretaste of the oneness we will have with Christ in Heaven, and so I should strive to find that specialness and joy in Him.  I'll keep trying.


*Specifically, "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser - I'll write more about that one later - and some articles from the online magazine "Modern Widows Club".