Maybe this is God telling me something

Well, I have pneumonia again. Time to break out the horse pills... But it's better than the liquid that tastes like rocket fuel.

How are those tumors doing? They haven't changed since the last scan size wise. But the metabolic activity has increased, which means they are getting ready to grow. I am off the expensive chemo pills and they are connecting me up with the trial doctor, again, to see if there is anything he has up his sleeves.

I have never felt like God was telling me to pursue different options, or look at other things that might kill cancer, or to stop taking medication at all. But looking at the order of events this last time really has me wondering if perhaps God isn't trying to tell me something. The scan previous to this one was after I had been prayed over several times and I had only been on the drug, really on it, for about two weeks (a week and a half maybe?) the reaction we saw could HARDLY be credited to the drug. It had barely hit my system at that point, and to do that much damage?

I wonder if the drug never had done anything. Maybe it was the prayer in the first place. What if that is the blessing that God has had for me? I don't know, but at this point I am confused because of things I thought I knew or things I had hoped for. I wish I had a more solid answer on this, or at least so e sort of feeling or conviction. I feel like I am gropeing in the dark trying to find out what God wants me to do in relation to this thing that is quite literally, my life, and I am not coming up with any answers.

I'm really tired, four years is a long time to be waiting for something. My only hope is in Christ, yet, I don't feel like I have any answers in regard to THIS problem. Maybe I need to listen better.

~B.
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