Why you haven't heard from me lately (spoiler: double moving)

1.  Summer in Seattle
Brings boating, hiking, and a steady stream of out-of-town relatives and friends here to experience our gorgeousness.  Next to Christmas, summer is the most action packed time of year (and refuses to be ignored while I'm trying to do something productive instead of roasting marshmallows or jumping in the lake).

2.  Work
My job does allow for a good work-life balance.  But as a full-time gig with definite responsibilities, it warrants mention as something I've been spending time and energy on.

3.  Studying
After more than ten years of work, I finally qualified for the architecture exams!  So for the next couple years I will emulate a student by hanging out in coffee shops with flash cards and thick books, reading about construction contracts, HVAC systems and accessibility codes.  Seven exams later, I can finally call myself an Architect!
Well, I can now.  Just not legally.

4.  Dating
If you're on Facebook much, you may have seen that I'm dating a man whom I really like.  Purely due to my native caution and my history of the past several years, dating has been a challenge.  But my boyfriend was patient, and I'm now at a happy place.  It's amazing to be able to say that whatever comes of it, I've learned and grown positively from this relationship (particularly in my trust in God).

5.  Sorting
In May, the boxes that had been stored at my parent's since I moved to Seattle came out to become reacquainted with me.  Some I decided to continue to fraternize with.  Others and I parted ways.  A good 95% of the stuff has been considered now; it's freeing not to have those unsorted, unused things lingering.  Some of the sorting was weepy, some was fun.  Much was plain elbow grease.

6.  Moving
That is, double moving.  Yup.  I'll have lived in five places in the span of 2.5 years!
The full story is too tiresome and possibly not advisable to post.  But vaguely: my sister, a friend and I found a lovely little house in Seattle and moved in in May/June.  The situation was not what we thought, though.  The house was in foreclosure and now has been sold, so we must leave.
Because God likes to give me cool dramatic moving stories, a connection with a friend's family yielded a spacious and interesting condo for rent even closer to work.  I'm hoping we can stay there longer than four months?  Please?

Through the drama and toil, I'm thankful for the friendship and love I've received from ya'll.  And I'm sorry if I've been bad at keeping up with you lately (online and off) but do always appreciate hearing from you.  Cheers!

July 16th, 2015

Ten years ago, I got married.  Yes I was a baby of 22, but no, I don't have regrets.  I became Mrs Ben Morrell and joined the Morrell clan.  It's been 10 years of puns, and amazing food, and family gatherings with dogs running everywhere.  Ten years as part of a resourceful, resilient, loyal, talented and kind family. Ten years since my mother-in-law hosted my bridal shower, and twelve years since my father-in-law and I had our first conversation (about Ernest Shackleton).

I put a lot of wedding photos on Facebook today, with some narrative about the wedding.  Looking at them, I can't help but think... why did I love peach so much?  And why were all of us ladies plucking our eyebrows down so small?  It looks weird to me now.

But seriously, I am thankful for the time I had with Ben and the people he brought into my life who are still with me.  Those of you will who have grieved will know that sometimes the pain is sudden, wordless, and almost physical.  Today is one of those days for me.  Today is difficult and sad.

There - brutal honestly in the moment.  I think of Wesley in 'The Princess Bride,' saying "Princess, life is pain."  Or perhaps a sunnier way of putting it would be what the widows of Modern Widows Club like to say, that great grief is a mark of great love.  I listen to one of Ben's favorite songs, "Grace" by Phil Wickham, and say to God "I need You, cuz I can't do this alone... I'm cracked and dry, on hands and knees.  Oh sweet Grace, rain down on me."

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Life has such a different shape now, a shape that Ben Morrell would not fit inside.  It feels like in finding a new life I've changed the locks and he can't come home anymore (if that were even possible).  Occasionally, this seems even sadder than staying the same.  At the same time, I see it as a Great Confirmation of the diverging of our paths - his path to his eternity with God, and mine on earth for awhile longer.

And much of the time, I just wish we could have coffee and catch up.  Except instead of coffee, Ben would be nursing a chai or bolting down a raspberry lemonade or three.  He'd want to hear if Venice was as amazing as he always told me, and shake his head over my "old" phone and computer.  He'd be proud that I finally qualified to take my architecture exams.  He'd encourage me to keep moving on. I'd tell him about how I hope I'm becoming more like him - more resourceful, generous, helpful, an observant listener, not complaining, full of faith, using humor as a tool, quietly confident.

All of his anxiety and fears would be gone.  Maybe he'd have a pet dragon?  He'd definitely have peace about leaving earth when he did, and a million new ideas (which he's probably already discussed with some of the movers and shakers in Heaven). 

He hasn't been to a hospital in quite some time :)

Feelings V Lisa

Last month, some vignettes bounced around and came tumbling out in this (pictureless) cartoon form.  You budding psychologists out there may find the following instructive, and perhaps the rest of you will be entertained.  Let me take you instead my head...

Feelings: Weeeeee!!
Rational Lisa:  Woah, woah, guys.  Can you go play in my subconscious until I'm done with work?  Just lock up when you're done. 
Feelings: *retreating*
Rational Lisa: Wait, maybe one of you can help me.  You know, put all that energy to good use.  Just... come over here, but stop - wiggling.  Oh, that tickles!  Teehee!


Rational Lisa: Lalala, just filling up the water pitcher like a person who is trying to not sit at a desk for longer than two hours straight...
Feelings: Wazzzup?
Rational Lisa: *bursts into tears* Why would you say something like that to me when I'm wearing eye make-up?


Feelings: Can we talk?
Rational Lisa: Maybe this can wait?  It's midnight.
Feelings: It will be easy.  You just have to sit there and stare into space.
Rational Lisa: But... I really should be sleeping.
Feelings *smugly bouncing on bed*: Oh, you can't avoid me any longer.  I've been waiting all day, and now it's just the two of us.
Rational Lisa: Well, I suppose just for a few minutes...
-----
Rational Lisa *shakes herself from stupor an hour later*: Not again!


Friend: So, how are all the feelings?
Rational Lisa:  Oh, totally feeling them. Yep.  Feeling the feels.  Just... not at the moment.
*Looks around* Huh.  They all seem to be hiding right now.  Sometimes, if you pretend like you aren't looking, they'll sneak out just at the edge of your peripheral vision... is it working?


Rational Lisa: OK, I finally have time for you all.  Just line up and state your position.  And if all related feelings could stand near each other in order of intensity?  Make sure you answer the question "and how does that make you feel?". 
Guys, this is great.  I really do prefer it when ya'll stick to my office hours.

No Time Like The

December.  It was a super stressful month for me (and usually, it isn't).  Like not eating or sleeping enough stressful.  I will tell you one of the reasons why.

(Other reasons are withheld for the same reason I haven't been blogging much lately.  My joys and fears of late have been taken up with work and relationships.  Neither of which are appropriate subjects for the transparent style this blog is known for.  Though you can certainly ask me in person.)

Every couple has their strengths and weaknesses, and I - immodestly but accurately - can claim that when it came to planning and execution Ben and I killed it.  "Go Team Morrell!" we'd fist bump after a successful themed party, drive across Texas or expertly handled visit to the ER. Seriously, we got really good at working the hospital system.  Having joint planning skills really was a God-thing, because we moved about once a year and dealt with a lot of paperwork.  Ben would come in high and fearless, swinging in broad strokes, I'd follow low, filling in the gaps.  He was resourceful, I was persistent.  BAM!  POW!

This year, it was almost December, and I (a self-proclaimed control freak) was puzzled to realize that I didn't have any Christmas presents.  Purchased, created, or imagined.  Cue mild panic. 

The trouble is that I thought I had fully adjusted to singleness.  But it turns out that when it comes to Big Changes and Projects, I'm still part of team that's missing half its members. 

Over our years together, Christmas presents became a production that started in the Spring.  Like this: Ben would decide that we should create our own line of food products.  I started the process of talking him down to just dried fruit, beef jerky, and scone mix.  Ben researched and purchased a dehydrator; I went berry-picking and looked for sales on ripe mangoes.  There were spreadsheets and timelines and Ben made a dozen passes at a name which ended up "Morredibles".  I found powdered heavy cream on a molecular gastronomy website and experimented.  Our vacuum sealer got overheated easily, but in the end we had gift baskets of goodies for family and a few friends.

The thing is, that these kinds of projects aren't very attractive to me solo - and that's okay.  Another thing is that I need to find a trigger to start planning, since in the past Ben always nudged me along.  I need to find my own style.  This year turned out well enough.  I didn't give a lot of presents, but I did send my Grandparents homemade cards and actually found something meaningful for my Dad.  My parents-in-law's present is a project still in process (sorry, Paul and Jenifer!) but everything else was ready on schedule.

Thank you for your support and prayers.  Surprisingly, I still have no horror stories about people saying the wrong thing to comfort me.  So either I'm obtuse or you all have acted wisely (and I lean toward the second).  Cheers for this New Year!

A Stage in God's Slow Reveal: Merry Christmas

Hiking in the beautiful Pacific NW

At Christmas, God truly shows himself master of the long game, the slow reveal.

He planted a seed, prophesied for 100s of years, which would take 30 years to bear the extraordinary fruit we hear of still.  And it's this inception that we celebrate.  No wonder we remember it in the winter - in the dark barrenness - and not in the spring.

But the mystery was revealed to a few in those early days, (God tipped his hand of cards) and they were the storytellers- the witnesses.  Prophets and shepherds. They, and now we, are called "to bring to light for everyone what is the plan of the mystery hidden for ages in God who created all things." (Eph 3:9).

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And so I am a witness.  This year was a year in which I observed, participated in, and found further faith in God's work in this world.

Me 'n Frank say Merry Christmas

Some big events: I went on a mission trip to India with Engineering Ministries International, moved in with my good friend Hillary (who lets me cry and makes me laugh), and got a job as a Project Manager at a small architectural firm in Seattle.

There were a number of firsts, like my first time paddleboarding, using a type-writer, and cosplaying (dressing up like a character) at Comic Con.

I got to travel a bit: to Colorado Springs to see my family and friends, to Chicago for the buildings, and to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving with my family-in-law.

I spent time with old friends and new and continuously astonished by the amazing people I am privileged to know. And am thankful for my family more each year.  May I learn to show you all the love you should receive.

Construction Site in Colorado

In May, my family and Ben's good friends went to Lake Crescent on the Olympic Peninsula (Ben's favorite place) to spend the day remembering him and to sprinkle his ashes.  It was a beautiful day and I think offered companionship and release to us all.

This year, I plan to finally start taking the architectural exams, figure out where I'm going to live next, travel to Europe with my sister Cheryl
and maybe work on a new book or build a boat or at least pickle something.  Or maybe send real Christmas cards?

(Lord willing and the creek don't rise)

Cheers from within the Slow Reveal,

Lisa