Over the past few weeks I have been continually frustrated by my plans for life. Ranging from the big things like not being able to go to Austin for Thanksgiving to not being able to make it to church some Sundays, or hang out with new friends on some weekday. All of these have been because of my health situation. Cancer, migraines, weakness, coughing, side-effects, etc, etc, etc... the list seems long.
Somewhere in there I got to thinking that some form of being healthy* was something I deserved. Perhaps something I had coming to me because of this past year of horrible health. I don't know where the idea came from, you can ask Lisa, I hate the word "deserve". I think the connotation is generally only used in a "good" sense: because I worked so hard I deserve a vacation. You rarely hear it used the other way: I broke the law, I deserve a ticket/ fine/ fee/ jail time.
As my health has been in something of a roller-coaster the past few weeks somehow I found myself getting more and more upset, I think mainly at God, for not letting me have some kind of respite from sickness upon sickness, combined with living in a place where we don't have any family, and very few friends. I never said it, but deep down I found myself thinking, "I don't deserve this."
I guess I would like to wrap up this post with something deep and life affirming, but I don't really know that it's that easy. This isn't some 30 minute sitcom where you get a problem and an answer in the span of time it takes to cook dinner. I think the solution here is more faith. More trust that God knows what He is doing with my life. Though I can't begin to tell you what that looks like right now. I am frustrated because I can't see/ understand what is going on. I need to give that up... go back to the daily fight.
Thanks for the continued support.
* Relatively healthy that is.
~B.
For me, it's all about expectations. I didn't expect my 25 year old son to be diagnosed with cancer. While I didn't expect him to move to Colorado, I was okay with that (it seemed like a fun adventure). Honestly, I can't say that I didn't expect the cancer to return, but I didn't expect him to be now living in Houston. (CO was cool, Houston is...well...Houston. Sorry Houstonians) I also didn't expect to be having income so low at 50 that we'd be heavily considering selling the house we expected to live in for the rest of our lives. Expectations are deadly. I haven't come to this point yet, but it seems that the only answer is holding our hands open to God letting him give or take as He sees fit. I can see where I would like my heart to be in this, but I'm still in process. Actually, I think those that feel they have achieved this point are probably not dealing in reality. (Or they have WAY more faith than I, which is a great possibility.)
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