Many of you have seen my previous posts about the things Lisa and I are cooking, or the places we have gone and the things we have been doing. But lately I haven't really shared what has been going on inside my head. That's because, honestly, the stuff inside my head has been a battlefield of yes and no or should I or shouldn't I? And so I have determined to sit down and try to convey the conflict in my head to you. (This stemming mostly from the July 20th Update about my health)
On one side of the battle we have excitement that this awful chemo is doing something at least. Its not appearing to kill the tumors in a fashion I would like, however it isn't as harsh as it was when I was first taking it. I'm excited by this news and I am wondering what that means for me and moving forward.
On the other side I have this sense of "I've been here before", just as things seem like they are working and the oncologist gave you "good news" one trip several trips out and after the next PET scan he's going to say something like, "we need to try a different treatment because this one isn't working any longer." And then I'll be devastated because I had hopped for so much.
That is where I am at. I want to hope and be excited for the good news, but at the same time I don't want my hopes to raise to levels that are unreasonable and so when I get "bad news" I end up being depressed for a week.
Of course as I sit and write this (sometimes the best way to communicate with myself (or let God speak to me? To get my own thoughts out of the way so other things can come in?)) I am reminded that my hope isn't in medical skills, technology or medicine. My hope comes from God. That hope doesn't change if I am in the worst pain of my life, or if I am free of cancer and doing whatever it is I love to do. I guess my trepidation comes in that I am not really sure what God is doing with this cancer and in my life right now. Am I at the end of this trial? Will there ever be an "end of this trial" for me that doesn't end in death? Or is this a fight I am going to take to my grave. One might say I "hope" for a "normal" life, but there isn't anything "normal" about life after cancer. I think I want a life free of hospitals, and* to pursue the dreams that God has given me to pursue. (*I deleted the word "safe" from that sentence... fyi)
My hope is in God. Do I know what He is doing in my life? No. All I can really do is hold on and trust that when He says He has the best in mind for me that He does.
I just need to figure out what life looks like living here in Houston with extra free time that includes less foggy chemo time, and perhaps that is some of my fear, what do I do with this time I have been given in a place that isn't where I thought I would ever be?
~B.
[ Prayer request? ]
Man, I so understand, but on a completely different level. Ours is the level of provision. When Dad received the letter of "thanks, but no thanks" yesterday, there was (and is) so much let down. In the past 15 hours I've been trying to analyze what that is--just wanting to be done with the trial? Yeah, there is some of that. But, really, I just want Dad to be doing something he's excited about. It's so much the same for you. I want you to be free to move on into the things that you are passionate about (IT stuff that I don't understand...). For whatever reason, we're both being held in the place we are at. And as I write that, I see the word "held." It has a negative and positive connotation. Hold us, Jesus, because we need You.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mom