Sunday, March 10

Getting ahead of myself

My last post on the state of my health also brought up that I was kind of confused about what God wanted from Lisa and I though this sickness. In my disappointment at an outcome I was expecting I felt like something I wanted was perhaps the same thing as what God wanted. I don't know that isn't the case, but right now the timing isn't right. I, again, lost sight of an important fact; this isn't about me. The things I go through now aren't about me. If I draw more attention to myself than to God then something isn't right. God can use this pain and suffering for His glory and benefit, but when I take that upon myself and use it to highlight ME then it's pointless.

You can get far, far ahead of me by considering the "gains" of this world a loss and looking at things like suffering and hardship as the benefit that they are to your relationship with Christ and the reward of heaven. I still struggle with this. I ask for my life because I do not want to suffer. Almost anything in comparison to what I am going through now (in my mind at least) seems like it would be easy.

In the same regards the present suffering is nothing compared to the glory of God in heaven. (Romans 8:18) It's easy to forget when I rely so much upon my eyes to convey "reality" to me. The "reality" conveyed to me through my eyes though is all part of this body and world which are fading and temporary. I need to stop relying on the ups and downs of my health to reflect the REAL reality of the things God wants me to be, to pursue, and to reflect while I am still alive.

The end of what is available to me medically to pursue the death of this disease in my body can be viewed as scary, intimidating, or even terrifying. In a lot of ways I have been grasping tightly to that handrail of medical technology. I can't say how my life would have been different if I had not pursued medical attention. It might have been shorter, it might not have been. But here, at the end of possibilities when science and the world around me say, "There is no chance" is a very great place for God to work.

I don't know that I am ready for death, or ever will be, no matter what age, but I have no doubt in my mind that God is there for me on the other side. When the things I could not view in this life, that are in fact "reality" become visible to me. I no longer fear what God has for me in the future. Be it health or a slow spiral into the breakdown of my body, as long as I am alive I know He still has something for me to do and reflect glory to Him. So... full steam ahead!

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