Friday, September 6

Ghosts in Colorado

It's strange.  You know that feeling of returning home?  The one where you feel like had just inhaled deeply after holding your breath until it become uncomfortable?  I get that feeling when I go to Colorado.  When I see the redish-paved roads, my hair behaves in the dry air, and I get up every morning with somewhere to be.  There is continuity in real relationships there; I visit just enough for that.  Leaving feels like being jerked out of a life.

But then... I get that same feeling when I come to Seattle.  And when I lived in Houston, I got the feeling there too.  I know Bellevue, my hometown.  And I hope I'm prepared for the grey winter ahead, because I was raised into that fortitude.
In Bellevue, there are ghosts of the coyote I saw on Christmas day while walking in the snow with my sister, of my high school classmates awkwardly dressed up at a steakhouse for the Homecoming dance, of the time some man gave me money because he thought I was homeless (thank you Grunge era), of getting up at 3am to set up an inflatable polar bear in my future parents-in-law's yard or to decorate my sorority for the holidays.

The ghosts in Colorado mostly have to do with Ben.

Upon the advice of a wise woman, I've been writing down the memories of Ben I want to keep.  I remembered how on the last leg of the drive from Houston to Colorado, Ben and I would pray as we looked ahead.   Two weeks ago, I prayed and cried as I drove into Colorado Springs in the middle of the night.

It was lovely to spend time with Ben's parents.  Sometimes bittersweet, but without the shadow of cancer.  They are embracing their new life in Colorado and it was a treat to meet some of their friends, and see the house they bought (and will move into in a few weeks).  There are still some changes ahead for them, but God has given them a peace about their path in life.

I'll need to write soon about visiting OCI and their dedication of the A/V equipment in Ben's memory. A beautiful morning that needs its own post.

I really enjoyed working from LGA's office in Colorado Springs.  It's ridiculous how much of a treat it was to go into work after sitting solitary in my room for months.  Working face to face on projects, meeting clients, seeing the homes we've designed, and just feeling the energy in the atmosphere - I loved it.

Of course, being there also re-opened all of my confusion about my future.  Where I was starting to move toward some decisions, now they've been called into question.  So it's time for more praying and waiting.  Trying to wait calmly, because "all the days before me were written in His book before one of them came to be." (Ps 139:16)


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