Friday, September 4

The Hardest week Ever

Being told you have cancer, what kind of cancer, and your odds of survival all in one fell swoop is something I don't think I will ever forget. The excitement and joy at discovering, every time, that you are free of the hell that is cancer treatment is also something I will never forget. Both are things I can pull up at any time and are fresh in my mind.

So the broncoscopy I had today did not tell me what I wanted to hear. Did not tell me anything remotely relating to what I wanted to hear. The quick little in and out procedure was supposed to say, "Oh, you have Bronchitis, nothing more." Instead they said, "While we can't be completely certain until we get this back from pathology the stuff we pulled out of you looks cancerous."

I'll know for certain on Wednesday when I meet with my oncologist what the deal is and what we're looking at doing, but until then I'm on my own with just that information.

I honestly don't even know what to think. Do I want to go through Chemo again? No, not now, not ever again. Do I want to be clear and this not be anything serious? You bet.

How do I react to God in this? I feel like I got a very clear leading to come to Colorado Springs and work with OC and attempt to further the technology. Granted nothing was ever promised to me about my health but I felt like God would protect me through the health issues so I could advance OC with technology that could help further HIS kingdom in the world. Why this? Why now? We're at such a crucial time and this happens.

I know God is in control, but I need something here, I've never felt so hopeless, so much like throwing in the towel and saying, fine, I'll do what I feel like I've been called to do until I drop dead. Dear Lord I need something to get me through this, something to cling to, or to even know if it's worth clinging.



  1. I can't pretend to know how you feel or what I can say to help. I just shot this out to the staff here at NSB, and we'll just pray until everything's better, ok?

  2. Anonymous2:54 PM

    Ben, there are no words I can express that will offer you any comfort, having never experienced what you're going through. We will be fervently lifting you and Lisa up in prayer during this time and praying that God will be glorified through all of this. You are brave and strong and, though you may feel like neither of those right now, your strength through the last bout of cancer brought many, many people closer to the Father, myself included. Press on, brother. Let God be your strength now.


  3. Hey Ben - so sorry to hear of your tragic news. It's so hard to understand why things like this happen, especially when we feel like we are following God's calling. I wish there was an answer to the big "Why?" but often times the understanding is entirely beyond our grasp.

    Danielle have been and will continue to pray for you, for strength and healing, understanding and peace.

  4. Ben, I am praying for you.

  5. Ben, this is truly concerning news. I have to keep in mind that the word is "cancerous" which has a bit of doubt in it.

    I know the comfort is that the Lord knew the result and he also knows the treatment. Jane and I will keep you in our prayers and pray for clear direction in this. Also for guidance in the diagnosis.

    I am glad you are where you are Ben. You are serving the Lord at OCi.

    If I can bring a bit of light to this moment I just wanted to thank you again for such an uplifting week at Comic-Con. I felt so free to be myself at all times and just be a geek with you for 4 days.

    I do not believe the Lord is finished with you yet, please take hope in that.

  6. We are praying mightily for you and Lisa.
    God is there with you, through this and everything.
    Heather & Joel

  7. Hey Ben. What a bummer to have to go through this scare, I'm praying everything comes out clean for you.

    The Bible makes it clear that it's fine to wonder why God puts challenges in our lives, so don't feel bad about that. Just don't lose faith that He brought you through it once, though certainly pray that you won't have to go through that again.

    We'll be praying for you.

  8. Anonymous10:36 PM

    Thank you for being so open and real with all of us in sharing what you have. You are more courageous than
    you think. It takes courage to do what you do and to step out in faith as you have.
    I know that because of you and Lisa that it causes me to draw closer to the Lord in prayer.
    I am praying for healing, peace, wisdom and clear guidance. May the God of peace be with you both. In His love... Your brother in Christ

  9. Ben - now that I've read your blog entry, I'm really crying... Hang in there, brother. God is with you. He will be your comfort and your guidance through this.


  10. Anonymous6:27 AM

    Praying for you both.

  11. I haven't stopped praying for you guys this week. For some reason, your post didn't show up in my reader last night, so I linked to it from Ryan's FB post.

    Anyways, I am praying for comfort, peace, and guidance from the Lord this week and in the weeks to come.

    Keep the updates coming, so we can cover you in prayer and be reminded to do so.

  12. Ben, know that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers. May YHWH grant you peace.

  13. Anonymous2:36 AM

    Ben and Lisa
    You are not alone. As God has prompted me to pray for you no matter when it is truely an honor and privilege to do so as the spirit leads. Praying that you would know God's love and care in a way you've never experienced. His protection both physically, mentally and spiritually. That you would recognize His leading and guidance in all things. May He give you a special annointing and boldness to share your testimonies. May Our God who sees (El Roi) strengthen you when you when you are weak. Replace your fear and worry with renewed faith. Give you his courage just as He did Joshua when he needed it. You are a special gift both to Him and us.


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