Inside the pain

Pain is a funny thing. We experience pain because it's our bodies way of saying, "Hey, something isn't working like it normally does! You might want to look into that."

When you know what causes the pain though you have to do your best to ignore it and continue on with your life. The blaring warning signs don't go away just because you know what is wrong. In my case pain generally means something bad is happening. If that pain can reach beyond the baseline pain already in my body to say, "HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME!?" it worries me just a bit.

Do we know what it is? Sure... but it doesn't change the system at all. Tumor pushing on my heart feels bad even on pain killer, and horrible when I'm off pain killer.

But you know what else that pain is there for? That pain is there as a reminder. It reminds us, me, of my mortality. Yes, I live every day knowing that I have things growing inside my body that shouldn't be there, but even still sometimes I try to find a way to forget, but then, like an alarm clock first thing in the morning it comes blaring back. "Remember me?" It says, "REMEMBER ME?!" like an impatient child at his mother's side.

Mortality keeps me grounded. I always enjoyed planning grand things for the future, and cancer has taken that away from me. I realized I don't have a future to plan. All of my tomorrows, every last one of them at this point, are a gift to me. My pain is a reminder. Not just of my mortality, but also to remind me about what everyday is for, who it is for, and why I am still alive.

So, while I do my best to silence the alarm and go on with the life I have, day to day, it still serves as a reminder to what I have gone through, and the fact that no one promised me anymore tomorrows.

Remember that the next time you are in pain. What does it point you to? What is it telling you? Is Someone trying to get your attention? What's inside your pain?

~B.
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