Thursday, October 18

Not all physical

One of the biggest hurdles I have to overcome with cancer, well, second to the physical nature of the disease, is the mental/ spiritual aspect of the sickness. Today was a really hard day for me mentally. This will normally come at the end of a really hard time physically, or, like today, from a reminder of something I COULD be doing... if I wasn't sick.

Most of the time I am able to ignore this as wishful thinking. "Yes, I COULD be doing that, but I'm not, I'm here dealing with this." And I move on. Then other days something will hit me hard and everything about it seems like a mockery of me by my sickness.

I have learned a lot of things through this, I cannot deny that, but sometimes I ask God, "Isn't think enough? Couldn't I take what I have learned and go fight some other battle?" This, despite the learning so much from cancer, is why I still pray, and ask you to as well, for healing.

I was told when I was first diagnosed, and I liked the expression, "God doesn't take a tool out and sharpen it until He's going to use it." But as the tool that is being sharpened at this point I am asking my God, "Why must this continue? Where is the end? Is there an end? Is this my life?" (To which he typically replies, Yes.)

I am tired. Deep down, the fight takes it's toll, and I want to do more, be more. I saw a little slogan on a blog the other day that said, "Comparison is the thief of Joy." I guess I shouldn't compare. Everyone has their own problems and trials.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Remember there is still time to sign up for a card!

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