Tuesday, January 14

Mission Trip News & Current Tensions

The plane tickets and a headlamp have been purchased!  No mining is planned, but if the lights go out in the evening I can still draw by light of a classy LED strapped to my forehead.

The travel dates are February 3rd, by way of Amsterdam & New Delhi; returning on the 15th.

There's rumor is that two more architects will be joining our team!  One is from and practices in India, and will take charge of the boy's dormitory project.  The other is a young architect who went as an intern on the trip last year to the same ministry, so will be very familiar with their history and goals.  It sounds like a really strong team to me!  I will still be heading up the dining hall/kitchen/staff quarter's building design.


There's a couple of weird tensions in my life now.  I'll share them to educate those of you who are curious about the effects of grief, and for those who are praying for my state of mind and growth.

One is between ambition and waiting, work and rest.  Now that "the world is my oyster," as one person encouraged me, and that I'm somewhat "behind" in my career, I feel a lot of internal pressure to "do".  To figure out what to do, and to do it.  Bam.
Instead, many people tell me that now is the time to rest, wait, and... play.  I flinch at that word; it seems almost shameful to me.  But I do feel like a rubber band that has been stretched so much that it is all loose and wobbly.  More and more people tell me to go easy right now.  Leviticus talks about resting: the seventh day, the seventh year.  Recently I even talked with a life coach, hoping for some advice that would give a little mojo back.  Instead, the core of their advice was: recover, be with the Lord, and rest.

In reality, I have been getting some rest the last few months.  I sleep enough, I spend time with people I care about.  A lot of my mom friends would be jealous of the amount of rest I get.  But I'm still emotionally tired, and I feel kind of like a failure for the rest I've gotten.  Sigh.  Guess I have a lot to learn.

The other tension is between wishing Ben could see the person I'm becoming, but knowing that I wouldn't be that person if he was here.  If Ben was here, I'd still be relying on him for the researching, problem-solving and long-term planning, not doing it myself - which he would have admired.  I'd still be constantly trying to keep up with his big plans and projects, not coming up with my own.  Ben would have liked the more relaxed, creative Lisa I'm becoming, but paradoxically our life together had me reacting by being uptight and practical.  Certainly a good chunk of that was due to cancer, but the rest was just the nature of our lifestyle and relationship.

But I also wouldn't be this person now without Ben, having learned by observing and now emulating him. And there's another tension: how much can and should I imitate Ben while still being myself?

God will guide me through this journey safely :)  It appears more muddy and mysterious than I anticipated.  But someday there will be epiphanies of story!


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