Thursday, February 18


It's 4:30am here in Houston, 3:30am in COS and for the bulk of you reading this it is 2:30am. I don't know why 3am is when I wake up, but it is. I am very worn out. Wish I wasn't up.

The doctor yesterday told me at this point the cancer is stable. At the same time kind of crushing some hopes in the process. He said that there is too much cancer by my heart and trachea that he is afraid my heart would get too much radiation/ it would burn up my throat.

He also said that surgery would most likely be life threatening. (Though he said there was a guy here in town who would do a routine where he REMOVES my heart, clears it off and the surrounding area and puts it back. Can't imagine recovery from that is easy.) And then surgery on my trachea could / would damage it permenately.

So it looks like this chemo and/or stronger chemo is the way it's going to go. Though there are some experimental treatments I am not sure if my platelets would stay high enough for me to get in and stay in one of those. My platelets already tend to trend low.

Of course I can't help but laugh a little to myself as I find myself disapointed in what medical technology can do. Aaaaand I think I maybe need to read my post on Psalm 20 v5 again. What was that about trusting in chariots and horses? (Read: medical tech) We trust in the name of the Lord our God. Ok. I'm starting to get the idea in real application "this is your life" type stuff here. Trust in God is what I've got right now.

Lisa was talking about the experimental treatments yesterday afternoon and I reminded her (as she has done already 3 or 4 times to me) "chariots and horses" which is a quick reminder not to trust the tech. It'll be something I need to remember.

I continue to ask God what He is doing, but I don't really get the answers I am looking for so much. "Making you stronger" and "impacting other people's lives" are generally what I hear. I have yet to hear, "making you a medical wonderland of mysteriously healed mega rare cancers". (not like that isn't still an option, and it is very much still a hope) We were seeing a therapist a while back and something he said stuck with me. He said that with God in our lives there is very seldom one answer to "why". Which I guess is something I understand. I guess sometimes I just don't understand as it seems to me that God gave me a great mind for technology and how it works and how I can help further His kingdom with it. And in MY mind that would be a more effective use of my life. However, that's not what I am doing right now. And honestly, I don't understand. I don't have the answers I want. I have some answers, but not so much the ones I really want... but I guess that is why they call it faith huh? Why would I trust that God knows what He is doing if I had all the answers? I love technology and helping people. God also knows the other desires of my heart and things I want to do. The mountain is steep, but I hope to put a gift shop up there. (See previous post)

Ok, time to try and sleep again. I probably had too much on my mind. And being the writer I am I was drawn to blogging at 2/3/4am. Thanks again for the continued support.


1 comment:

  1. Yes, in disappointment I also went back to Ps. 20. It's certainly all about perspective, huh? Our flesh wants to figure it all out or trust someone here on earth to do that. However, that's just not God's way. So, I need to trust Him with your life, my vacation time (not allowing me to come there as soon as I'd like), along with many other unknowns in our lives. I really liked your analogy of Pike's Peak the other day. Good thoughts.



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