I like to get excited about things. This might come as a surprise to some of you who know me in various ways and places, but I like the buildup of expectations and then the final delivery of the thing be it an object, experience, or experience.
In the past five years I have really stifled this aspect of my personality. The cancer has been a series of ups and downs, just about the point you start hoping something catches you in the mouth and pushes down again. And yet on the same side the long hard fights, feeling horrible with no hope of seeing the light and we're given some touch of good news.
Then there are things like planned trips. Lisa and I really try not to make them because, well, something happens. It seemed the trip to CA SD a few weeks ago was something we kind of snuck up on and were able to go and had a good time. We were hoping to do that again and get in a trip to Colorado, but that got shot down my more medical issues. I allowed myself to get a bit excited about Colorado and it fell through and I was disappointed.
I don't know that I know how to hope anymore. I mean I hope for maybe little things here or there, but long-term (aside from my hope being in heaven) I really don't know how to do it. Everything else just makes me seem jaded or calloused. Or even mad at God. Which I don't think I am any of those three. I want to hope for things, but in a lot of ways I feel like I've gotten excited about things too many times and it's been taken from me, which hurts a lot. So I'm not sure how to hope for things without getting hurt every time.
Obviously you are seeing a bit of what has boiled to the top after this week's string of things. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
~B.
[ Prayer request? | Help Us? ]
Hey Ben, Have you read the book, "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green? I read it recently and it made me think about you. I feel a little bad suggesting you read a book about someone who has terminal cancer seeing as I don't have cancer and don't know at all what that's like. It doesn't say a whole bunch about hope per se, but a lot about living. And that is what really inspired me. You and your blog inspire me as well. Anyway, you can check it out if you want. If you do, I'd like to hear your thoughts. I'm praying for you guys.
ReplyDelete