Monday, December 24

A Fear - Realized

I have always thought that if I got better (as in healed from this horrible cancer stuff I am going through) that it would be amazing to reach out, to be around, to be available for others that have this same thing. Earlier this year I started to do that. I joined the DSRCT support group and found a couple guys who came to MDA and met up with them and tried to connect with them on issues of life.

One of the things I thought of back when I was in early stages of diagnosis when I had this idea was that it would be a heartbreaking work as most DSRCT'ers don't like beyond the 2.5 year mark. The past few months one of the guys I had met with, talked with, and gotten to know better, swapping stories of life, hospitals, and God (I even linked to his blog here once). He died this morning and while I am incredibly thankful that God finally took him away from the incredible pain he was in it just makes me remember that there are people left behind with this sickness. He had a wife and several kids.

My "fear" was that I would find other people who are/ have suffered what I am going through and that I would only get to know them for a short time. Ultimately a reflection of life on earth, we meet and the time we have together is but a breath. But, no matter what happens to my health I feel like this is really something that God has called me to do, I hope I never get jaded, no matter if I do this for the next few months, or if I do this for the next thirty years.

A side note: I've heard some people say that they had family who just "knew" when it was time to go. While every day brings my hope and desire for heaven that much closer, I also continue to find new things I want to do here. Ways to help others, things to write, things to say, things to learn, things to convey to others... I don't feel like it's my time, the fire of passion and desire to help still burns brightly.

[Edit: So some people have commented, and I know this, that God works no matter the situation. I think in this instance I was mainly thinking about my role at OC and asking God to give me wisdom about when I need to step down and someone else can come in and be the IT leader that I can't really be right now. I think perhaps it came across as "let me die so I'm not a burden anymore", when in reality it was supposed to be more of a, "Let me know when I need to "move on" from where I am now with work so that OC can continue to be healthy and thrive."]

Thank you for your prayers. They help me get through the days, and the nights. I could NOT, have done with without God sending each of you into my life.

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