Wednesday, September 18

Emotional Goldfish

What with all the introvert/extrovert analysis flying around lately, I've been wondering if some grief materials are more aimed at an introverted reaction to grief.
Stuff along the lines of:

"You will probably want to be alone, but don't completely isolate yourself.  You might feel like it's too difficult to be around people who ask about your loss, because you might break down."


"You likely will drop out of your regular activities and avoid social events."


After Ben died, I DID NOT want to be alone at all, and stayed busy.  And I'm still scheduling frequent socializing to keep myself from spiraling down to crazy town.  Family and friends seem to be adapting well to messily emotional and needy Lisa and surprisingly, no one has freaked when the waterworks start.

I'm so grateful that you all don't seem to be judging me... or at least those who do hide it well!   I'm glad that even though I'm currently paralyzed in life choices, no one is critical.

I'm grateful that I can smile without people inferring that I didn't love Ben.  I'm truly happy that Ben is not suffering anymore.  I'm happy that I have so many amazing people in my life right now.  I'm happy about some of the possibilities ahead.

Then an hour later, I'll be so so sad that I have to figure out this life-thing without Ben.  I hope that God passes along my messages to him soon (though I'm not sure what the time difference is between here and Heaven...)

Though I apparently have a goldfish's emotional attention span, I consistently feel like I'm still married to Ben.


"I’m knocking on doors, You’re keeping the keys
Maybe they’ll open, maybe they’re not for me
I’m setting the sails, You ready the seas
But I won’t make a move until You move in me."

Jeremy Camp, "Move in Me (Paul)"


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