Sunday, October 20

Another post about feelings

This past month has been harder than the couple before, and I think it was because (with the exception of last week, a wonderful family vacation in Tucson!) socializing has been cut back, when compared to this past summer.

While it's true that my friends seem to be less available, it's really my fault.  I've gone back to working full-time so that I don't lose the stamina to do so, or need to pull from my savings account.  On top of that there are still so many things to do, like continuing to find new homes for Ben's stuff, looking into possibilities for the future and figuring out how to cancel Ben's protected domain names not in use.  Then with trying to take care of myself properly and still feeling tired often, most of you will guess that means there isn't time left to get together with friends every single day.

And that's typical life as a responsible adult.  Nothing extraordinary.  Only, I'm so needy lately that it is actually difficult.  Likely, feelings and realities that I avoided during the summer, with all of its sunbeams, adventures, and conversation, are surfacing.  Taking the time to rebuild friendships was valuable and treasuring family time I will not regret.  But the transition away has brought more (probably inevitable and maybe necessary) sad time.

You know what, though?  Sad isn't bad.  Grief isn't bad.  I can accept them.

One thing I've learned about grief is that it is a series of small losses.  On a given day or week, qualities of the person who died or roles they played will be particularly missed, freshly or reoccurringly.

Ben was a safe place to talk about difficult subjects; I miss that.  He listened and usually understood.  If he didn't, he just listened.  I miss how he could be both greatly interested and yet calm, and how he would remember what we talked about and email me articles about the subject later. 

Ben saw the possibilities in many people.  He believed in them, and he liked them.  He helped them understand each other.   I miss his perspective.  I'm grateful for the people he brought into my life.

This weekend, these are the things I miss the most.


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